I had forgotten about this in all the excitement or lack thereof of living. But having realized that I needed some way of exorcising or at least exercising my demons, have decided to come back and tap out my existence or at least what passes for a narrative of one.
For those of you that actually followed the Adventures of Achy Person, the arthritis is mostly under control, my weight is not, my son is doing okay, my career is hanging on by a thread, and I’m currently going through a severe bought of depression that’s lasted several years and that I can’t seem to find my way out of. Welcome back to what I like to call the Sunnyvale Home for the Perpetually Cheerful, Provided They Were Masochists.
I shouldn’t say that things are completely hopeless. My shrink says there’s hope, but she always says that. I agree with her, mostly because I’m afraid if I don’t agree with her, I’ll end up in the wing of the hospital where the doors don’t open both ways and they only let you wear Vans.
What I keep looking for is something to be passionate about. I’m not passionate about my life, my job, my hobbies (I don’t have any other than writing and video games), I’m not even passionate about passion. About the only thing I seem to enjoy any more is sleeping and only because it renders me unconscious so I don’t have to deal with how little joy I feel about the rest of what’s going on.
I read somewhere that there is a Japanese word that was often used after the earthquakes of 2011: ganbaru-to slog on tenaciously. That pretty much describes me right now. I’m slogging on tenaciously. Not because I think things are going to get any better, but because I suspect that as soon as I quit slogging, the universe, in some kind of perverse joke, will decide that everything should suddenly resolve itself and that if I’d just waited one more day I might have gotten to enjoy it.
Well, back to the slog. I’m supposed to get in to see a Dr. type shrink sometime in the future, so maybe I can get my meds adjusted and see some improvement. For now, ganbaru.